Throughout my life I have been admired and reviled … because of my looks. I have suffered and triumphed because of the ego gratification my attention or lack thereof … has given and/or taken away. I have had admirers and stalkers. I have been chastised with the phrase “The Goddess abhors vanity!” because my self love and self esteem were misinterpreted by a woman who in hindsight objectified me as much or even more than any man. I know that I am so much more than my face and body. In fact I long to touch people deeply with my words. But … once they see me … hear my voice … I am in danger of becoming an object and my words mean far less because for some … pretty women are supposed to be stupid and superficial.
I was molested by a man I believed to be a friend who felt entitled to my body because he was supportive during a bad break-up. I have been disappointed to discover that a former friend spent more time masturbating to my photograph than he did understanding me as a person, a flawed human being, seeking to evolve and thrive.
I have even had women friends who believed that I was self-centered and narcissistic despite the time and emotion I gave to them because they envied my looks. And most recently an old friend transformed into a drug addicted stalker who was triggered by the very sight of me to the extent that she got thrown out of a local FBI field office because she was convinced that I was a terrorist working for the Illuminati.
Today many of my clients are beautiful women with the same experiences who have been both celebrated and punished for their external beauty by people who cannot see past the surface to the fragile, inwardly beautiful landscapes that populate the human soul. Over and over again … I see the same painful pattern emerge and it breaks my heart. Women … all women … have hearts and souls. We all desire love and sadly many of us settle for the counterfeits to fill up the empty spaces. And time, age and the fading of beauty, that double edged sword that fills our hearts and cuts them in half, looms on the horizon like a prophecy of doom.
Moving forward, I am very, very cautious about any new people coming into my life. I look for some sort of intellectual connection before I make a friend. Energy connections are more potent but sometimes more damaging. There are those people who “feed” off of life force and to them I am not a person … but an addiction. And no matter how much they make themselves believe that they “love” me, I am punished by them for withdrawing my light. Oh darling … I’ve had quite enough.
My beauty is a gift from the Goddess. It is not meant to make me an ornament, a toy, or a dildo. I am a manifestation of Her creativity, but I am NOT an inanimate work of art. Her true artistry is in the depth and complexity of all that I am and all that I have ever been and will be … I am NOT an inanimate object to Her.